Without You

The moon glows, the river flows, but I die without you 

I'm sitting on the table. Every ounce of emotion I have is channeling through my body and out of my mouth. Kaleb's curled up next to me. He's pretending to be frail, pretending to be dying. Chris is behind me. We're separated only by a few steps, but might as well be continents away. There's all this pressure on me to deliver this song with meaning, to deliver Kaleb into his death. I'm connecting us all. 

It's one of the most powerful scenes, along with the following one of Angel's funeral. In Without You, beneath my melody, Kaleb's coughing and turning, until finally his hand falls and he dies in Hunter's arms. Larry (director) has a fantastic vision for setting the stage. After that, during the funeral scene, everyone is paired off in couples except for Hunter. It's this apparent hole. Losing Angel. 

Angel was one of my closest friends. It's right that today's halloween, because it was her favorite holiday.

Goodbye Love is another favorite of mine. Whitney (Joanne) and I just let everything go yesterday and gave into our anger. Chris and I were acting it out to the fullest. I felt everything like it was real. Like we were really in love and we were really losing each other. Granted, I pull from personal experience for this, so it works out nicely. I felt myself being abandoned, being broken, being sick. It was humbling. 

Rent has meant more to me than almost any other play. I've listened to the CD on repeat for years and years, and been in a marriage with the show for six times 525,600 minutes. It reminds me of so many things. It reminds me of myself. The fact that I get to perform it now, that I get to flesh out Mimi in all that I envision her, is the greatest gift I could ask for. 

Seasons of Love

You know that saying about getting back in the saddle? Or maybe it's getting back on the horse? Anyway, I apply whichever cliche you choose to my now apparent fear of getting back on that wobbly, sunken table in my heels that hate me. Add to this fear my impending doom of balancing on a railing on top of a scaffold. We did the choreography again last night, but I'm still a little scared to do it in my boots. At least Larry is going to help me back onto the ground... hopefully in one piece.

On another note, let's chat about my first Rent on-stage kiss. Never before have I made out with a gay guy in front of his boyfriend. It was... interesting. I mean, at least we're friends so it wasn't awkward, and also not my first stage kiss. I don't know what the deal is though, because they have me and Chris just kissing left and right and the gay couples just grab each other's butts and hug and stuff. What gives? If you're going to do RENT, do it all out.

We all hung out as a cast at Charlotte's house last night. I swear, we were like children with each other. We got huge laughs from Spencer prank calling random people that we all knew, and pretending to be a computer or Lady Gaga or a black woman from a Baptist Church. I'm glad that, for the most part, everyone seems to want to hang out with each other. Cast bonding and all.

We blocked Seasons of Love, Happy New Year A and B, and the voicemails in between. I stand between Tyler and Chris for Seasons of Love, which sounded amazing last night. Unfortunately, there are too many of us to each get our own individual spotlight. I'm not really sure what kind of lighting there's going to be, actually. All I know is that it's going to sound incredible.

I'm not sure what's on the schedule for tonight. But I took a pretty decent nap, so I'm ready and fit to go.

Wine And Beer

 There are a few firsts that I got to experience tonight:
1) I slapped a gay guy's ass

2) I learned the choreography to La Vie Boheme

3) I jumped off a table in these very perfect, very dangerous leopard heels... fell on my ass... and bruised my tailbone.

It's my own fault, really. Our table isn't sturdy at all. It's a skinny brown table with holes for my heels to fall in, and it rocks with every move I make. I shouldn't have tried the number in the boots on my first try, especially not the jumping off part. Chris warned me, and I was like "oh I'll be fineeeeee." Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The most embarrassing part of it all was that Kaleb landed fine in his heels. I'm shaming my own gender. Granted, my boots are higher and skinnier. But still. At least my fall got us the promise of a new table. You're welcome guys. 

Well, the hand motions for La Vie Boheme are perfect. I never realized how fast the motions are. And let me tell you, it's not easy to sing that fast and to get these hand motions timed right and sharp. I can only imagine how Out Tonight is going to be. Well, the song's not as fast, but there will certainly be more dancing.

Also, Kaleb and I get to have a lot of fun during our mini-duet during the song, singing, "To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries..." That's the dancing on the table, slapping his ass, jumping and falling bit. Our director Larry said that our part has a childhood games kind of feel, like we're singing "Miss Mary Mack"... only sexier. Chris laughed next to me and whispered, "Sexy children?" Yeah, a bit of an odd comparison.

I got to leave early today. They finished up with Today 4 U and Tango Maureen choreography after La Vie Boheme, so I didn't have to stay. I'm not sure what we're doing tomorrow. I'll keep you informed.

P.S. There were four dogs outside the theatre today. Where are they coming from?

Sunny Santa Fe

Last night, during our first night of blocking, a dog ran through the open door and onto our stage, tail wagging and tongue flapping. Needless to say, this was an odd occurrence, but what was more odd was his insistence on sitting right on center stage without budging. The boys tried to drag him off, but he was very stubborn. Eventually they picked him up, dropped him outside, and the rest of the night was spent with him clawing at the door. 

Before this chaos, we got to work with our director, Larry, for the first real blocking practice. He's a smoker with gray hair who says "Dynamite" when things go well and is super organized. He even made a mini model for the stage, which is basically the Broadway design, two scaffolds and one table in the front. The difference in our version though that we discovered very early on into blocking is that there will be no recorded sounds. Everyone sound will be generated by the cast. 

For example: 

RINGGGGGGGGG

BEEEEEEEEEEEP

Leap of faith, Leap of faith, Leap of faith, Leap of faith

Bidi baahhhhh

I'm still trying to figure out if I find it obnoxious or ingenious. I guess we'll see! So far, we've blocked Rent, On the Street, Santa Fe, I'll Cover You, and Christmas Bells. It's all very temporary though because we don't have the scaffolds yet. 

Tonight, we will finally be learning what we've all been waiting for- the La Vie Boheme choreography. Yes, all that table slapping, finger snapping goodness that makes everyone want to get up and join in. I cannot wait. Then I'll put it to good practice at every restaurant that I may eat at. Well, I'll want to at least. 

525,600 Minutes

There are 525,600 minutes in a year. There are 43,829 minutes in a month. There are 10,080 minutes in a week. There are 1,440 minutes in a day. But among all of those minutes, there is one moment. One Moment in One Minute that changes your life.

Last week, I stood on stage for the first time, with all of my castmates, to sing the I'll Cover You Reprise. This time, we were supposed to feel something. We were supposed to be standing at a funeral, next to the casket of someone we loved, mourning through the melody. "Today I had to play at a baby's funeral. She was only 25 hours old." 1,500 minutes. "Make me feel something."

We stood in a circle with our heads hung low to the floor. Some of us weren't taking it seriously. Some of us were laughing silently to ourselves. But the rest of us were remembering. We were recalling the things that no one around us knew, the people that had been with us once, that no one really fully remembered. The way they smelled. The way they laughed. The way they lived. In that circle, we could honor them.

I thought of Camden, the small baby with Downs Syndrome and the biggest grin I've ever seen on any baby, who died a week after I'd held him all day long. I didn't know him well. I guess I didn't have enough time. But I'd visited him at the hospital when he was just a premie in the NICU. His dad held him up to the glass with a scared, proud face. I sang to Camden that day in my cousin's kitchen. Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid. Then a week later, that pure, beautiful life was gone. So when I belted out, "So With a Thousand Sweet Kisses, I'll Cover You," I sang to that little baby again, and remembered the short life that made a huge difference in me.

"Now that's how it should be done," Duane told us, after the song ended on a loud, united note. That's when I realized that it didn't matter if Hunter wasn't the greatest singer, or if I'm not the best dancer, or if Charlotte isn't really a lesbian. It's the heart of this show that means everything. It's the heart that we give it that makes it moving. If we are feeling it, we can make you feel it too. Passion is the difference.

Take Me or Leave Me

It's time now, to sing out, for the story never ends. Let's celebrate, remember, a year in the life of friends. 


So last night, as predicted, we covered Act 2. Unfortunately, I didn't practice Without You :( because Chris got there late. I did get to sing Goodbye Love though, although it wasn't that great because Chris and Larry didn't know their parts. Let's say Duane was less than happy. We got a nice little speech about stepping up our game and learning our parts... funny, I'm pretty sure we've gotten that speech every night.

You know what was amazing though? Whitney and Charlotte's Take Me or Leave Me. I swear, it was like they'd been singing together all their lives. Charlotte put absolutely every ounce of belting she had into that song... I was sure she was going to just collapse after that. Hell, I felt winded after it! It's going to steal the show, I know it.

Also, we sang the I'll Cover you reprise and I'm one of the soloists that sings "So with a thousand sweet kisses..." while the rest of the ensemble sings "Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes..." behind us. Then once it's all built up to this orgasmic moment and all of us are singing at the top of our lungs and we are singing in these great harmonies and just as we drop off... Hunter comes in. "When your heart has expired..." Now, I know he's trying. He really is. But as it is right now, it's not cutting it. It has improved, and I'm sure once we're all onstage and all that emotion is just swirling around us, it'll be ok. Fingers crossed.

There wasn't much else to report last night other than Duane's frustration which shut us all up. No more talking while other people are singing. Just this odd silence, like children experience when they've just been scolded. Also, I may have to hurt the other Jenny. She's fawning over Duane... who is married... and so clearly wants us all to know how "close" they are. It's very difficult to describe just how irritating she is. Although I did hear him tell her, "You're my Jenny," in a kind of whispered tone yesterday. (Awkward).

No practice tonight- chorus only. And then tomorrow night is principles, which should be interesting. And Spencer and I are going shopping for costumes! They're due on June 6th, which is much closer than expected. So, I gotta get on that.

La Vie Boheme

Gathered around an IHOP table talking about inappropriate things that even Jonathan Larson would have deemed too risque- anal sex (the gay boys got that one covered), dildos, and threesomes, along with a rather comical demonstration of the inside of an orgasm (empty cup + creamer, you can imagine)- I had the distinct desire to slap my hands on the table, snap, and break out into "La Vie Boheme" with Kaleb (our Angel) who sat across from me.

Most of us were there, apart from Larry (Mark) and his boyfriend Josh (Ensemble), and also Graham (Benny), and I felt like everybody was really getting along well. I found a new love in Chris and Kaleb (Roger and Angel). I love them as a couple. And of course my best gay boy- Spencer (Ensemble). He's a fierce, precious guy who shares my love of Lady Gaga (we were belting Americano at the table) and a talent for costumes and makeup. We were in Cats together last summer and now we're together again in a much more controversial, city-stomping arena.

Anyway, despite the little idyllic, very bohemian night we shared together, the ride back to the theatre made it very clear that already, only three practices in, there was a distinct separation in the cast and an underlying drama that I didn't really see. Josh, who is apparently bitter over not getting Angel (recall Theatre Snob), is completely isolating himself from the rest of the cast, taking Larry with him. Also, he's sitting there stewing and aiming his stupid frustration at Kaleb, who did nothing wrong. Unless you count winning a role fair and square? It's just petty stuff.

So there's this little break in the cast: Josh, Larry, and Jenny (another one, annoying right?) vs. the rest of us. I hate it. Because I think Larry is a really sweet guy with this really great talent, and it's a shame that his boyfriend is cutting him off from all of us. :( Plus I had this stupid, naive idea that maybe we'd all be united and friends and shit. Oh well, I suppose it's their loss right?

While we are still in Stage 1 of the RENT process, we're going over the music in detail. So last night, we covered nearly all of Act 1, which meant I had the pleasure of singing Out Tonight in front of all of my castmates for the first time. There was this huge surge of adrenaline that ran through my system as I stood up and belted what I will soon be singing in tight pants, with glitter doused in my hair, poised on a railing. It went really well and they all applauded me. It's only going to get better from here on out. My goal? To get someone in the audience to "woo" at me. I mean, hey, I'm hot right? (Just say yes and make me feel good).

Along with Out Tonight, I sang Light My Candle, Another Day, and I Should Tell You. When we sang Light My Candle, Duane (Vocal Director) told me and Chris, "Well, I'm glad that we don't have to ever practice that again!" There was a great chemistry to both our voices and the way we played with the song that is really going to showcase well. I've known Chris for a long time now, oddly enough since he was straight (or since he thought he was I guess?), and he tried to hit on me when we were in Les Miserables (Awkward, not really, kind of). He's improved so much since then and I honestly am so glad that he got Roger. We're going to make people cry (in the good way)!

Tonight I assume we'll be tackling Act 2, which means Without You (one of my absolute favorites) and Goodbye Love. Also, I get to nearly die. Woo hoo! I can't wait to get this thing on stage. At the same time, I don't want to rush it! I want to enjoy every moment of my life as a stripper!